Born on the cusp between Virgo and Libra, my mother, Deltessa, embodied the general traits of both signs. She alternately modeled practicality and whimsy. She was damn near compulsive about cleanliness, neatness, and order, but was equally obsessive about beauty and style. Every corner of our house was as spotless as it was alluring. For example, the living room furniture and furnishings were mid-century, all white, with pops of blue for contrast. And you’d also be hard pressed to find a speck of dust on the glass coffee table.

Mama’s balancing act didn’t end with the house. Being raised Christian, I was taught all the commandments and was expected to demonstrate my love for Jesus by observing them. Fornicating, second only to lying in the pantheon of sins, was outright denounced and vehemently forbidden. Yet when I turned fifteen, my mother marched me to the doctor’s office and put me on birth control. I was stunned at what seemed to be a reversal of all I’d been taught. She called it pragmatism. Insurance. Just in case.

So, in the month that is most associated with love, I celebrate the gifts of love my mother (and grandmother) gave me by sharing a few of their insights about love, lust, and life.

1. God first, then your Parents. This hierarchy, enforced and reinforced at every turn, was meant to instill a foundation of faith, morality, stability, and integrity. It confirmed the importance of faith, family, and community as cornerstones for a peaceful and prosperous life.
2. Love is a beautiful thing to have in your life, but it isn’t always pretty. Illnesses, misunderstandings, arguments, betrayals, challenges, death…all these things come with the living of life, and at some point, we all will know them intimately. Mama warned me that love wasn’t always going to be an unending cake of a love fest with warm and fuzzy icing on top. Laughter, long gazes, kisses, and moonbeams would spar with the bad, the ugly, the dirty, and the seemingly unforgivable. She also taught me that the appearance of troubles doesn’t always mean that a relationship has ended or can’t be resuscitated. Her advice on mending a busted relationship? “Let the spirit lead you; make amends, forgive, change behaviors, rebuild trust, and start again.”
3. Everybody’s got ‘nature’. This gem is not from my mother, but my Mama’s mama, Mayme. I didn’t grasp what my grandmother meant the first time said this to me, and I couldn’t bring my thirteen-year-old self to ask. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Did ‘nature’ mean sex? It wasn’t just that she said the word ‘nature’ –  it was the way she said it. It was full of a certain kind of nuance that was completely unfamiliar to me. Turns out my instincts were correct. ‘Having nature’ was coded language. It was ole old school vernacular meaning that sex and the urge to have sex was a natural part of being human and nothing to be ashamed of.  Of course, my grandmother strongly suggested that I squash those urges like a soda can and toss them in the trash.
4. Lust does not equal love. Mama used to say, “Just because a boy ‘wants’ you now doesn’t mean he’ll ‘want’ you later.  And don’t expect the boy to be honest about his intentions. Assume the worst and protect yourself.”  And finally…
5. Love yourself. It took me a long time to begin to master this piece of advice. Many people confuse grooming practices with self-love. Yes, pampering is one facet of self-love, but there’s so much more. Mama taught me that loving myself means that I accept responsibility for and manage my life to the best of my ability. It also means refraining from making decisions that would endanger my well being or derail my dreams.

When I think of Valentine’s Day, I think of the lessons in love my Mama and grandmother dutifully shared with me. They trained me to walk the straight and narrow path but prepared me if I veered off course. They loved me enough to prepare me for whatever ride love’s roller coaster might take me on. And loving with this kind of openness is indeed a balancing act.