My Mama raised my brothers and me using three tools, and I cite them in order: Jesus and the teachings of the Bible, psychology, and the belt (though she rarely used it). I decided quite early on that it made no sense to do anything that would cause me any unnecessary physical pain at the hands of my mother…or my grandmother, or grandfather, etc. You get the picture. I decided to be ‘good’ and follow the Christian system of values my Mama and all the other members of our family – immediate and extended, worked hard to instill in us.

When it came to behaving outside of the home, my Mama used to remind me that “What’s done in the dark will always come to light.” That was her way of telling me that while she may not be around to monitor my behavior, all those celestial beings in charge of the Big Book of Life see and record my every move, so if I wanted to evade the punishment of eternal hell, I needed to govern myself accordingly. I couldn’t really fathom the notion of eternal damnation, so my brother and I concocted our own analogy. We talked about the pot roasts that Mama used to prepare for us for Sunday dinners. The pot roast endured so much heat that it finally cooked well enough for us to eat. I couldn’t imagine roasting for that long a time and never getting ‘done’.

So, I behaved. I did as I was told. Usually.

There was one notable exception.
It was a Sunday after church. I’d asked Mama to buy me some candy. She said no. Said it would ruin my dinner. I got mad. I was mad at her for denying me one single piece of candy. But I was especially mad because I knew she was lying to me. I mean, how stupid did she think I was? How could ONE single piece of candy ruin my appetite?

I had an idea.

I would take it. Yeah. Steal it.

I could feel my heartbeat getting faster at the thought of this forbidden notion. I could hear my internal dialogues, warring against each other, back and forth, saying things like, “What?! I can’t believe you’re even thinking about this! You know your ass will be grass if you get caught! Mama thinks she knows everything. She shouldn’t be lying to me. It’s just a little piece of candy, and no one will notice.”

I looked around the store to see if anyone was watching me. I checked for mirrors. I counted the number of people that were in the store. I noted my Mama’s location (just in front of me with her back to me), the location of the candy rack (VERY close to my right), and the cash register (a few feet ahead to my left). I waited until Mama had engaged the cashier…apparently, they were high school chums. I turned away to the right and raised my hand to my face as if to scratch it, and as I moved my hand away from my face I snatched a piece of candy from one of the baskets and put it in my coat pocket. The deed was done.

I had stolen a Tootsie Toll.

I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough. I nearly knocked Mama down from behind, racing to get to the car, hoping she would get the car started and pull off before the cashier would discover that single Tootsie Roll, missing from amongst the hundreds of other Tootsie Rolls, and run out of the store to accost us.

I thought I shouldn’t eat it right away. On the way home, I fingered it in my pocket, being careful not to warm it up too much. I wanted the Tootsie Roll to melt in my mouth, not in my hand (so yeah, that was the M&M’s slogan, but it was true for Tootsie Rolls as well). I figured that if the cashier did come to recognize the missing candy and called Mama, my punishment would be less severe if I could actually produce the booty unharmed. Once home, I put the candy in my desk drawer and went to play. I couldn’t concentrate though. I kept thinking about the candy.

After three hours, I figured the cashier wouldn’t be calling my house, the police weren’t coming, and I wouldn’t be getting spanked into the next dimension. My triumph was now complete. I could relax now.

I let out a sigh of relief as I recalled my adventure to the dark side. As I pondered my deed, I still couldn’t believe that I’d had the nerve to do it. Even more incredulously, that I had gotten away with it! I couldn’t believe my good fortune that the eyes in the back of Mama’s head were either temporarily sleep or on vacation. I was so proud that for once in my young life I had outwitted and disobeyed Mama. Me! The goody two shoes! Oh, if the bad kids at school could see me now! And I knew, even the good kids would have a different kind of respect for me now! I could be popular! I would ascend into the ranks of the cool kids! I was excited as I held this daring secret. It was now time to enjoy my prize.

I began to unwrap it. I stopped. I put it down. The words of the Almighty through the voices of my Mama and grandmother began to thunder in my consciousness:

“What’s done in the dark will always come to light”, and “God sees All.”
My momentary pride and sense of accomplishment were eviscerated. I became so racked with guilt and shame that I couldn’t even eat the candy. I might as well go hide under the bed and wait for the lightning bolt that I knew was going to come out of the sky and fry me forever. I didn’t have to wait to die to go to hell and visit the devil. I was already there.

I returned the candy to my desk drawer where it stayed for weeks, just in case this wave of guilt would roll away and I could eat the candy without any remorse.

I ended up throwing it away.

This is the first time I’ve publicly admitted that my criminal career began and ended at the age of seven. I’ve never EVER nicked anything else.

Why am I sharing this story? A conversation I had with a former student about why they should always take the moral high ground when it seems that everyone around him isn’t. 

As they said to me, “It’s all in the headlines. The stories in the daily news feeds.” They concluded that lying, gossiping, stealing and other vices are the new norm. And what often appears as a glimmer of morality is later discovered as duplicitous, used as a cover for more immoral behavior. I understood. After all, my grandmother used to say on the regular that “The biggest devils are in church.”

I don’t know that we humans are less moral than any other time in history, but if we watch the evening news and social media feeds, it can be easy to draw that conclusion.

We may think that others are ‘getting away with’ bad behavior and aren’t getting caught. But that’s not true. The law of Cause and Effect is always in place. In ways visible and invisible, we always receive the fruits of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. An embezzler may momentarily feel powerful, but may never truly enjoy spending the money taken. Someone who cheats on their significant other may never know a moment’s peace, knowing that at any time the person with whom they are cheating could get fed up and put out the dirty laundry for all the world to see. I know of a case where a husband suffered for nearly a decade with ulcers and all kinds of gastric distress until the truth finally came out: His troubles began with an outside relationship in which he had fathered a child…ten years earlier.

In my case, I knew what I’d done was wrong. No amount of rationalization (it was just one thing; it was a small thing; there were too many of the things to notice one missing; I’d never done this before, etc.) could make this be anything other than wrong. I’d violated a moral principle. End of story. Not only had I let my Mama down…I’d let myself down.

Back to those headlines. I won’t mention names, but just consider how some people are getting their day of reckoning, sometimes decades later. As I reminded my former student. We never get away. The laws of Cause and Effect are always in play, and somehow, some way, What’s done in the dark will always come to light.